Bright Pink Warrior

Yesterday was an absolute terrible day. I have not cried so long and so hard and have been so low in a very long time. I followed up with the surgeon, as planned, to see if there was any update on the OR opening up so we can get a date on the calendar to start these surgeries. Well, it did not go at all as planned. Still no idea when the OR will open up, which is kind of surprising to me. Also, I had told her that I had lost 10lbs but ended up gaining 3 back and it's been fluxuating for about a week. She said my weight has probably leveled out but that the plastic surgeon would probably not feel comfortable doing surgery without having lost all the weight required (20-27lbs total). And also because of the pandemic, they are still not able to do the surgery anyway. She said she was going to talk to the breast oncologist about going ahead and starting Tamoxifen. I was devastated. I thought even if it were the end of the month, that I'd still have the procedures done in May.  No...

I don't think I've been so anxious for so long since high school. I've had 2 panic attacks in one week alone...one I am currently trying to get to stop. Having cancer during a freaking pandemic is hard. It's just flat out hard. All I want to do is get this out of my body and taken care of. I'm still not bothered by the actual diagnosis, but rather by the fact that it feels like life is going in slow motion and everything is dragging before I can get any treatment. I got the oncotype results today (" This test may help predict if your cancer will return and if getting chemotherapy will improve your chances that the cancer will not come back. This test can help you and your doctor decide if the benefits of chemotherapy outweigh the risks." --mskcc.org), and it is on the high side for my age group. Doc said that more than likely I am looking at doing "light" chemo (4 sessions). We will know for sure if I need to after the surgery when they are abl...