Never Ending
Yesterday was an absolute terrible day. I have not cried so long and so hard and have been so low in a very long time.
I followed up with the surgeon, as planned, to see if there was any update on the OR opening up so we can get a date on the calendar to start these surgeries. Well, it did not go at all as planned. Still no idea when the OR will open up, which is kind of surprising to me. Also, I had told her that I had lost 10lbs but ended up gaining 3 back and it's been fluxuating for about a week. She said my weight has probably leveled out but that the plastic surgeon would probably not feel comfortable doing surgery without having lost all the weight required (20-27lbs total). And also because of the pandemic, they are still not able to do the surgery anyway. She said she was going to talk to the breast oncologist about going ahead and starting Tamoxifen. I was devastated. I thought even if it were the end of the month, that I'd still have the procedures done in May. Not looking like it.
Tamoxifen is an anti-hormonal drug. Since my specific cancer is fed by estrogen, then we have to try to cut off it's supply. It inhibits the growth of the cancer. It also means that I'll be pretty much going through menopause, although it's "reversible." (I'll come back to this in a minute.) Tamoxifen also inhibits weight loss. While I do agree this is probably what I need to be taking, I feel even more defeated because of it. It had already been sooo hard to lose weight. Now I'll be adding this on top of it. I just can't win. I almost feel like it's pretty much impossible and yesterday, I was 100% ready to just give up. Today, I'm at 80%. There's so much working against me right now. COVID/quarantine, major anxiety, PCOS, major stress, and now adding in a drug that makes it even harder to lose weight. I just want to throw my hands up in surrender. I don't even know what to do.
One of the options that were offered to me, reconstruction-wise, was to get tissue expanders instead of the immediate reconstruction I'm hoping for, called DEIP Flap. When the surgeon messaged me yesterday, she made it sound like the tissue expanders could possibly make the surgery happen sooner, so I asked about it. She responded saying that she thinks the immediate reconstruction is better. It's one major surgery as opposed to 2 major surgeries, and less recovery time. And that's when she told me they still can't even operate because of the virus. Ok, so either way, this sucks.
I then basically word-vomited my emotions on her about everything. I've already been stuck at home for what, 6 weeks with my anxiety and trying to not get stuck in my head and not focus on the fact I have cancer growing in my body. ALL positivity and hope left me yesterday morning around 8am.
Around 10ish, the plastic surgeon called and basically repeated what the surgeon was saying.... I need to lose more weight and if I do, we can do surgery in about 2-3 months. Well, f*%#. I get to deal with all of this for 2 to 3 MORE MONTHS?!?!? I can't. I just can't.
I was in a VERY dark place yesterday. Honestly, I do still hopeless about it all. I don't know what to do with everything working against me.
Tomorrow morning, I have a virtual appointment with the breast oncologist. The only thing I'm looking forward to about this appointment is that this doc is empathetic and encouraging. I don't have any hope of anything getting better because of it, but at least I'll feel like I'm being heard.
In the afternoon, I have an in person appointment with the GYN to get a non-hormonal IUD and to talk about getting an oopherectomy (removal of ovaries) soon after the mastectomy/reconstruction. Normally, it is recommended to do this closer to 40, to delay menopause and the bigger risk of osteoporosis, but since the Tamoxifen already will already have me going through menopause, I figured I would rather only go through it once instead of twice. The docs all seem to agree so far. So we will see how that conversation goes.
Another fear I thought about last night while NOT falling asleep, was, the later this drags on, the higher the chance of it bleeding over into 2021, which means a new start for insurance. We will end up having to pay another $4500 to reach out of pocket maximum again before insurance picks it up completely. And that just hurts to think about.
All in all, I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. I feel hopeless, helpless, and defeated. I'm still praying that God will take this from me and give me peace. I've been praying for a miracle, but I'm also afraid that my doubt that it'll happen will mean that it in fact will not happen. I don't doubt God's ability, by any means. I just don't feel like I'm worthy of it. I'm not worth the thought. Why bother? There are better people out there that can use that miracle instead. I don't know...
I followed up with the surgeon, as planned, to see if there was any update on the OR opening up so we can get a date on the calendar to start these surgeries. Well, it did not go at all as planned. Still no idea when the OR will open up, which is kind of surprising to me. Also, I had told her that I had lost 10lbs but ended up gaining 3 back and it's been fluxuating for about a week. She said my weight has probably leveled out but that the plastic surgeon would probably not feel comfortable doing surgery without having lost all the weight required (20-27lbs total). And also because of the pandemic, they are still not able to do the surgery anyway. She said she was going to talk to the breast oncologist about going ahead and starting Tamoxifen. I was devastated. I thought even if it were the end of the month, that I'd still have the procedures done in May. Not looking like it.
Tamoxifen is an anti-hormonal drug. Since my specific cancer is fed by estrogen, then we have to try to cut off it's supply. It inhibits the growth of the cancer. It also means that I'll be pretty much going through menopause, although it's "reversible." (I'll come back to this in a minute.) Tamoxifen also inhibits weight loss. While I do agree this is probably what I need to be taking, I feel even more defeated because of it. It had already been sooo hard to lose weight. Now I'll be adding this on top of it. I just can't win. I almost feel like it's pretty much impossible and yesterday, I was 100% ready to just give up. Today, I'm at 80%. There's so much working against me right now. COVID/quarantine, major anxiety, PCOS, major stress, and now adding in a drug that makes it even harder to lose weight. I just want to throw my hands up in surrender. I don't even know what to do.
One of the options that were offered to me, reconstruction-wise, was to get tissue expanders instead of the immediate reconstruction I'm hoping for, called DEIP Flap. When the surgeon messaged me yesterday, she made it sound like the tissue expanders could possibly make the surgery happen sooner, so I asked about it. She responded saying that she thinks the immediate reconstruction is better. It's one major surgery as opposed to 2 major surgeries, and less recovery time. And that's when she told me they still can't even operate because of the virus. Ok, so either way, this sucks.
I then basically word-vomited my emotions on her about everything. I've already been stuck at home for what, 6 weeks with my anxiety and trying to not get stuck in my head and not focus on the fact I have cancer growing in my body. ALL positivity and hope left me yesterday morning around 8am.
Around 10ish, the plastic surgeon called and basically repeated what the surgeon was saying.... I need to lose more weight and if I do, we can do surgery in about 2-3 months. Well, f*%#. I get to deal with all of this for 2 to 3 MORE MONTHS?!?!? I can't. I just can't.
I was in a VERY dark place yesterday. Honestly, I do still hopeless about it all. I don't know what to do with everything working against me.
Tomorrow morning, I have a virtual appointment with the breast oncologist. The only thing I'm looking forward to about this appointment is that this doc is empathetic and encouraging. I don't have any hope of anything getting better because of it, but at least I'll feel like I'm being heard.
In the afternoon, I have an in person appointment with the GYN to get a non-hormonal IUD and to talk about getting an oopherectomy (removal of ovaries) soon after the mastectomy/reconstruction. Normally, it is recommended to do this closer to 40, to delay menopause and the bigger risk of osteoporosis, but since the Tamoxifen already will already have me going through menopause, I figured I would rather only go through it once instead of twice. The docs all seem to agree so far. So we will see how that conversation goes.
Another fear I thought about last night while NOT falling asleep, was, the later this drags on, the higher the chance of it bleeding over into 2021, which means a new start for insurance. We will end up having to pay another $4500 to reach out of pocket maximum again before insurance picks it up completely. And that just hurts to think about.
All in all, I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. I feel hopeless, helpless, and defeated. I'm still praying that God will take this from me and give me peace. I've been praying for a miracle, but I'm also afraid that my doubt that it'll happen will mean that it in fact will not happen. I don't doubt God's ability, by any means. I just don't feel like I'm worthy of it. I'm not worth the thought. Why bother? There are better people out there that can use that miracle instead. I don't know...
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