Ready to move on with life

I don't think I've been so anxious for so long since high school. I've had 2 panic attacks in one week alone...one I am currently trying to get to stop. Having cancer during a freaking pandemic is hard. It's just flat out hard. All I want to do is get this out of my body and taken care of. I'm still not bothered by the actual diagnosis, but rather by the fact that it feels like life is going in slow motion and everything is dragging before I can get any treatment.

I got the oncotype results today ("This test may help predict if your cancer will return and if getting chemotherapy will improve your chances that the cancer will not come back. This test can help you and your doctor decide if the benefits of chemotherapy outweigh the risks." --mskcc.org), and it is on the high side for my age group. Doc said that more than likely I am looking at doing "light" chemo (4 sessions). We will know for sure if I need to after the surgery when they are able to see how big the cancerous tissue actually is. Just by going on how things have been going since the start, I'm pretty sure I'll be doing it. More than anything, chemo is what scares me the most. I've seen both of my parents go through it (my mom twice) and it was heartbreaking and terrifying. My anxiety level right now is about a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10. I guess I'm glad I know now so that I have the time to process it and work through some of my feelings about it so that when the time comes to make the decisions I need to, I'll be *a little* more ready. 

 I'll be following up with the breast oncologist and the surgeon in two weeks to see where we are at with the OR. It's currently only open for emergencies. I'm hoping and praying it'll be opening soon. I just want to get all this over with so my family and I can move on with life....

 I'm trying really hard to give my anxiety to God. The timing of the cancer and the pandemic together has made it INCREDIBLY difficult. I KNOW God is in control and I KNOW he will get me through this.... Right now, I could use some prayers for peace.

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