Aftermath

I've been putting off posting an update for a while. For one, even though there is a lot going on, it's been hard to put it into words. Two, I know my posts aren't the most uplifting, so I don't even know if anyone cares to read them anymore, but.... They are real. My purpose still remains the same in doing these though: to bring awareness to what goes on on a journey like this, for those going through it and for those who have never been through it to get an idea of what it's like, and for prayer... Something which my family and I really need right now.

Since my last post, I've been dealing with the wound under my right breast still (which is getting better every day), I'm working with a neurologist on getting my headaches under control (which I found out they were actually diagnosed as chronic migraines), and am dealing with some very very heavy emotions. Now that all the life changing decisions have been made regarding my cancer diagnosis a year ago, I have been processing and working through what happened. I know I've said this before, but one thing people don't talk about is that even after the cancer is it of your body and you are getting your health and strength back, and no longer "look" like a cancer patient, you are still dealing with it internally, and will for a while. 

Before I go on, I want to make it known that I am currently seeing a therapist that specializes in oncology and women's health, and I have not ever had an intention or plan to end my life. But... I am in a very dark place as of late. I have fallen into my typical MO when my depression gets this bad of isolating and either having really big emotions or being completely apathetic. While the past couple of days have been SLIGHTLY better, I've had absolute zero desire to really talk to anyone outside of my household and it is really difficult to find the emotional capacity to care about much else other than my husband and daughter. It has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone and is no one's fault, I just struggle to have the motivation to care about much, which, if you know me at all, is very much NOT like me. So, if you're reading this and wondering why I haven't reached out much or have said much to you, know it's not your fault and that it really is all me right now... And I'm sorry. The struggle seems to fluctuate minute to minute, day to day. But inside my head is a very brutal and gory battle. Thoughts I never imagined I'd have, like "I wish I never even did all the work to find out about the mutation or the screenings to find the cancer. I wish the cancer was just found too late and took me. It's not even worth it." I have not had any suicidal ideation in YEARS. But this week in particular, it's been on my mind a lot. My mind, just like my body now is weak. I'm exhausted beyond words. I know only others who have been through something like this can really relate. Yup, it was caught early and yea, it was never life threatening to me, but cancer is cancer and cancer is freaking hard. Dealing with the aftermath of the past year, navigating menopause and trying to balance everything in my life and hold it all together to try to have some normalcy has been a challenge. 

I have ALWAYS believed mental health is important and thankfully, I was able to start seeing a therapist before things got too bad and I didn't have the motivation to try to find one. I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist to change my meds again. 

Something else that has recently been going on is that our daughter is now dealing with the aftermath of the past year as well. She's held it together so very well through it all and now is finally letting it go. She has "on purpose" accidents at home and has been having really bad tantrums and is acting out more this week which has both my husband and I very concerned, confused, and exhausted. Our little girl is struggling and dealing with some very big emotions and it is absolutely breaking our hearts. Please, if nothing else, please pray over our girl and that we are able to work through this. We do have an appointment with a social worker as well, if you were wondering.

There are so many words, thoughts and feelings going through my head a million miles an hour lately and I am sure I've missed something in this update, but I need to end it now. So, if you've read this all the way through and don't feel the need to roll your eyes and unfriend me on Facebook for all my "drama," then, thank you. I appreciate you. 

Until next time....