One year anniversary

* March 9, 2020- Cancer diagnosis

* May 6, 2020- Lumpectomy with one unclear margin

* June 5, 2020- First chemo treatment

* June 20, 2020- Hair started falling out

* June 25, 2020- Shaved head

* June 26, 2020- Second and final chemo treatment

* August 17, 2020- Bilateral mastectomy with immediate DIEP flap reconstruction; final bit of cancer removed

* January 29, 2021- Breast revisions and prophelactic bilateral oopherectomy

Anniversaries are such an interesting thing. In March, it was a year since my initial cancer diagnosis. In August, I will be cancer free for an entire year.  While I feel so grateful and blessed and am excited to celebrate, it also brings up other emotions. Emotions I didn't get to deal with in the midst of making life changing decisions last year. Since about March 2021, around my first cancer related anniversary, all sorts of emotions have been bubbling up, sometimes at the most random moments, but usually they were pretty unpleasant. I went from content and feeling strong to deeply depressed and feeling so small and weak. At one point, I even had it in my head that everyone would be better off without me....something I haven't thought about for years. It's been hard. I've isolated, lashed out and at times, desperately wanted my life to just be over. Why? I mean, I beat cancer, which was my ultimate goal so I could live longer and be around for my daughter, but yet, I still felt defeated and just done. More than anything, I've felt exhausted. I've talked to friends and family about it and although they have mostly been kind and empathetic, most feel awkward in conversation because they don't know what to say. The conversation around cancer is ALWAYS uncomfortable. I think a lot of that is because the general population has no idea what its all about, only that it is scary, ugly, and hard. To no fault of their own, they are uneducated and have no idea what to say or do when the C-word comes up. And, most think that once the cancer treatment is over, the person dealing with it must be better and all should move on with their lives. It's easy to offer dinners and a word of encouragement when someone is temporarily physically disabled, but what about a year later when that person is physically healed and now dealing with unseen disabilities? It is way more uncomfortable for people to deal with. What is the right way to handle it? What if I say the wrong thing? Well, let me tell you.... I completely understand the doubt and awkwardness. It makes sense. I will also say though that someone who sticks around and supports someone during this time, even when it is uncomfortable is someone I will be eternally grateful for. I've had people in my life this past year completely drop off the face of the Earth because they just can't handle it...both friends and family. It makes me so sad to know that when I really could have used some encouragement from those people specifically, they were nowhere to be found. I'm not angry with them, just sad that that connection was broken. 

For those reading this who are, have been, or will be going through the same thing, I see you. Don't give up. Anniversaries are bitter sweet and drudge up some yucky stuff. Call on the One who will NEVER leave you and will make you stronger than you were. I am grateful to God for how He has worked through this entire time and has never left my side. And I am grateful for the people who he has put in my life that have continually been there to love, support, and encourage me. You all will never know how very much that means to me. 

Dealing with cancer is a rough and lonely walk. One I wish I never had to go through, but I pray God uses it to help someone else one day so it is a little less lonely for them. 

To God be the glory, forever and ever.