Invisible wounds

Since moving to Colorado, Fall has been my favorite time of year. Growing up, Fall always brought wind and blowing dirt but in Colorado, I get to enjoy the cooler weather and the breathtaking natural beauty God has shared with us. The tree outside our living room window becomes golden and there are beautiful spatterings of red, yellow, and orange bushes and trees everywhere you look... My favorite is the vibrant red. What also comes with Fall is the reminder that winter is coming and with it the cold unforgiving loneliness that gets stirred up for me in the month of December. Since my mom died in December 2006, every year I struggle. I want so very much to enjoy the holidays and fun memory making with my family and friends but I always seem to keep falling into a pit. That pit brings depression and that brings guilt that I've ruined what should be a wonderful time with family. Every year I try REALLY hard to turn it around and every year I fail. The past couple of sessions with my therapist have touched on this and has given me a glimpse of hope for the future. I know that even though life will continue to hit me with hard times, I have hope that I can get through it without drowning. I know God has gotten me through every moment even when I tried to do it myself; this year, I'm doing it God's way. Going through cancer last year really brought up A LOT having to do with my mom and our relationship. I've felt angry that she didn't fight harder to stay with me and that she didn't try hard enough to be the mom I needed her to be and I've also felt guilt that I didn't do enough for her in her last days and guilt that I wasn't a good enough daughter to either of my parents. Even though I am NOT grateful to have had cancer, I am grateful that God is using it to help me work through some really deep underlying emotions and helping me do some much needed healing. 

A friend of mine shared a TED talk with me recently that I then shared with my therapist because it really spoke to me. It was a woman who had fought leukemia and spent 4 years in treatment. She talked of coming out of treatment and not knowing where she belonged.... No longer in the "sick" category but also not quite "well" either. Her physical body was healed but the rest of her was not. Dealing with a major illness such as cancer takes a toll on the whole person, not just the body. The thing is, no one warns you about that. No one talks about life after cancer. You have this idea that after your body is free from cancer, you can move on and get back to life before cancer. This could not be further from the truth. You have changed. You are not the person you once were...at least not completely. Life after cancer brings different challenges that most other people don't usually understand. While my therapist hasn't really dealt with people who have gone through cancer, she specializes in trauma work... And going through cancer is absolutely traumatizing. For the first time, I feel somewhat understood and I feel heard. Even though she hasn't dealt with cancer, she acknowledges my journey and my feelings around it and what its bright up for me. I want you all to know that if you've gone through cancer treatment and are feeling alone and confused and broken, there is still hope. I encourage you to talk with your medical team about finding a therapist to help you work through what you are feeling. Allow God to bring healing into your life. I have not felt such hope as I do now and I know it's because my focus is less on myself and those around me, but rather on God and what He can do. God cares about you and your mental health. You don't have to try to sort through the mess inside all by yourself.... In fact, you shouldn't. You are NOT alone. You matter. Don't allow yourself to suffer in silence. 

For those interested in watching the TED talk I  was talking about, here is the link: 

https://www.ted.com/talks/suleika_jaouad_what_almost_dying_taught_me_about_living/up-next?language=enen

A side note: The woman in the TED talk also talked about cancer survivors being "heroes." I disagree with this. Cancer patients do not CHOOSE to fight, like heroes choose to fight their battles. They are also not fighting for the greater good, like heroes do. They are fighting to survive because they have no other choice. I don't believe we are "heroes" but fighters or warriors, battling to live another day.