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One thing I've learned from this whole experience is that life does not slow down when you're dealing with cancer. You basically get all the stresses of day to day life with about 10,000× more stress, fatigue, emotions, and pain on top of it, for...who knows how long. It's different for everyone. But I have to say, these past 9 months have felt more like about 5 years, even without COVID and politics and everything else going on in 2020. Even though I'm technically on a "break" from all of this until my surgery in December, I haven't had too much of a break. I'm constantly playing catch up on things and it doesn't help that my mind still is a little "mushy" and forgetful. Even though I have A LOT more energy than I have in months, I still feel exhausted as my body still heals. It's been 3 months since my surgery, and I look on the outside like I'm all healed up, but I still am dealing with my body recovering from the beating it's taken this year. On top of it, I caught some sort of something and am waiting on the results of a COVID test. Only minor symptoms but both Jane and I were exposed so we both get to quarantine until our results come back, as early as tomorrow.  Like a lot of people I know, but for different reasons, I feel like I can't catch a break this year. I'm struggling, even still, to be the best wife, mom, friend, family member I can be while all this medical crap looms over my head. I know many people think, even without realizing it, that now that I've had my big surgery and all the cancer has been removed that I'm fine and life will go right back to normal, and for a while, I tried to convince myself of that too, but really, it will take a looonnnggg time before that happens. After my next surgery in December, I'll have to continue going through the healing process and will also begin my journey into menopause. I'll also be starting new medications because of this and dealing with any possible new side effects. I'll still have more doctor appointments than the average person for a while and will also be dealing with all the thoughts emotions that go with all the changes to my body... How I look, how I feel, the fact that I will no longer be able to produce children... Even though I have no regrets making this decision, I feel like it's still something every woman has to work through when their time comes. I'm both relieved and sad about it and probably will be for a while, but who knows!  

I know this hasn't been the most uplifting and positive post, but it's 100% real. And really, compared to many others, I've had it MUCH better and easier than it could have been. I'm EXTREMELY grateful for this and always will be, but it doesn't negate the fact that dealing with cancer is very very hard. There have been times when I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and feel so alone but also that talking about it with anyone wouldn't really help anyway because it'll only make other people feel awkward or helpless because they really don't understand. And talking with others who have or are going through it doesn't always help because I then just feel like I have no right to complain because of so many that have it worse or some might just be already struggling to deal with their journey that they have nothing else to offer anyone emotionally. I have to continually remind myself that even though I might FEEL alone, I'm never really alone. I know God is there...feeling all I feel, seeing all I see, and dealing with all I'm dealing with. It's times like these that I have to make myself stop and go find rest in Him. My cup is empty. I need him to fill me up again.