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Invisible wounds

Since moving to Colorado, Fall has been my favorite time of year. Growing up, Fall always brought wind and blowing dirt but in Colorado, I get to enjoy the cooler weather and the breathtaking natural beauty God has shared with us. The tree outside our living room window becomes golden and there are beautiful spatterings of red, yellow, and orange bushes and trees everywhere you look... My favorite is the vibrant red. What also comes with Fall is the reminder that winter is coming and with it the cold unforgiving loneliness that gets stirred up for me in the month of December. Since my mom died in December 2006, every year I struggle. I want so very much to enjoy the holidays and fun memory making with my family and friends but I always seem to keep falling into a pit. That pit brings depression and that brings guilt that I've ruined what should be a wonderful time with family. Every year I try REALLY hard to turn it around and every year I fail. The past couple of sessions with my ...
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One year anniversary

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* March 9, 2020- Cancer diagnosis * May 6, 2020- Lumpectomy with one unclear margin * June 5, 2020- First chemo treatment * June 20, 2020- Hair started falling out * June 25, 2020- Shaved head * June 26, 2020- Second and final chemo treatment * August 17, 2020- Bilateral mastectomy with immediate DIEP flap reconstruction; final bit of cancer removed * January 29, 2021- Breast revisions and prophelactic bilateral oopherectomy Anniversaries are such an interesting thing. In March, it was a year since my initial cancer diagnosis. In August, I will be cancer free for an entire year.  While I feel so grateful and blessed and am excited to celebrate, it also brings up other emotions. Emotions I didn't get to deal with in the midst of making life changing decisions last year. Since about March 2021, around my first cancer related anniversary, all sorts of emotions have been bubbling up, sometimes at the most random moments, but usually they were pretty unpleasant. I went from content and ...
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Aftermath

I've been putting off posting an update for a while. For one, even though there is a lot going on, it's been hard to put it into words. Two, I know my posts aren't the most uplifting, so I don't even know if anyone cares to read them anymore, but.... They are real. My purpose still remains the same in doing these though: to bring awareness to what goes on on a journey like this, for those going through it and for those who have never been through it to get an idea of what it's like, and for prayer... Something which my family and I really need right now. Since my last post, I've been dealing with the wound under my right breast still (which is getting better every day), I'm working with a neurologist on getting my headaches under control (which I found out they were actually diagnosed as chronic migraines), and am dealing with some very very heavy emotions. Now that all the life changing decisions have been made regarding my cancer diagnosis a year ago, I ha...
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Phase 2 and Oopherectomy

Well, my surgery didn't end up happening in December due to a rise in COVID numbers, but I did have it at the end of January.  Since surgery was getting pushed back, I was put on Tamoxifen soon after I found out instead of waiting until after surgery because we didn't want to put it off too long. I was on it for about a month and had to stop. It made me extremely depressed and I was terrified that it would get to the point where I'd be unsafe. I was then put on Letrozole and had to get a Zoladex shot every 4 weeks until my ovaries were taken out.  The Zoladex stopped my ovaries from working and told my body I was now menopausal.  This was necessary to allow the Letrozole to work properly.  This put me immediately into a chemically induced menopause so for the next two weeks after initially starting on these meds (I had to start the Letrozole 2 weeks after my initial Zoladex shot) and my body started freaking out.  I felt like I was crazy.  The hot flashes h...
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Untitled

One thing I've learned from this whole experience is that life does not slow down when you're dealing with cancer. You basically get all the stresses of day to day life with about 10,000× more stress, fatigue, emotions, and pain on top of it, for...who knows how long. It's different for everyone. But I have to say, these past 9 months have felt more like about 5 years, even without COVID and politics and everything else going on in 2020. Even though I'm technically on a "break" from all of this until my surgery in December, I haven't had too much of a break. I'm constantly playing catch up on things and it doesn't help that my mind still is a little "mushy" and forgetful. Even though I have A LOT more energy than I have in months, I still feel exhausted as my body still heals. It's been 3 months since my surgery, and I look on the outside like I'm all healed up, but I still am dealing with my body recovering from the beating it...
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Been a while

 It's been about 12 weeks since surgery and I can gladly say my body is feeling like it's almost to where it should be.  I got my last drain out of my hip two weeks ago, which was AMAZING. It was really great to not have to accommodate for having a drain and tubing all the time.  I can now wear clothes regularly and not have to worry about pinning a drain and trying to hide it or not get anything caught when pulling my pants up.  I've also been doing PT for four weeks which has helped INCREDIBLY.  I am now able to lift my arms normally and I can stand up straight without hurting!! Praise God! I do still have some pulling in my abdomen but it's not NEARLY as bad as it has been.  I should be able to go without any abdomen compressions anymore! We are currently working on stretching out the scar tissue and abdomen strengthening.  I'll be back to normal just in time for my next surgery! Haha!  My oophorectomy and breast revision surgery is scheduled f...
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Recovery week 3

Tomorrow begins week 4 post surgery and I gotta say, I'm doing pretty well! I got the ok to start standing up a little straighter, which I am so glad about.  My lower back is still hurting, but it doesn't hurt NEARLY as bad as it used to and I'm able to stand up for just a little bit longer now.  I feel like I'm getting stronger every day. Thank you, Lord! I had my follow up with the plastic surgeon last week and it went really well for the more part!  Everything is healing well and they even removed the two drains up at my chest.  I still have the ones on my hips, but one will be removed probably this week. The other is not even close to being ready, unfortunately.  The drains don't hurt or anything being in and up until a couple of days ago, were not really even a big deal to take care of.  A couple of days ago though, one started leaking and I started to panic. I talked to the nurse and it turns out it was just clogged and I had to strip the tubing until...
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